*In this letter/poem, I attempt to imagine what went through my mom's head as her daughter fought valiantly between life and death. As without being a mother myself, I know that I can't possibly fully understand.*
I'm going to start with what she would have missed the most if the Lord had decided it was time for me to come home:
-Memories of my birth and childhood
-My face that resembled Nan's
-Our Daily Devotional Times
-Hugs and Kisses in ASL
-All the times I asked her to come to TKD belt advancements
-My laugh-I love to laugh
-My Undergraduate Gradation
-My Engagement and Marriage
-My Future Children
Mom, I'll never understand the trauma you went through during my Mayo Clinic admission. Countless people have told me how brave you were and continue to be. I can't imagine how you felt when you found me unresponsive. How you felt when you found out my EEGs were abnormal. When they put me on the ventilator. When I went into the coma and when you found Jeremiah, which I have come to believe was Nan physically at my bedside. God sent her to watch over me personally.
My life will never be the same again. My faith stronger. My physical pain increasingly greater, but my will to fight will always be there. Without my pain medications, I have been crying and attempting to sleep to escape the spasms and swelling. But God kept me here for a reason. I don't fully know why yet and maybe I'll never know. I know I have a message for the world I just need a functioning computer with which to write it. I can only hope that my neurological function returns to baseline. But again, God's will be done.
I shouldn't have survived this ordeal according to medicine, but with God, anything is possible. He has shown us that many times over the past few years.
Why He keeps taking me to the brink of death and bringing me back, I don't understand. It's traumatizing my family and friends; something that none of them deserve. When I was on the ventilator, I remember crying, asking God to let me hug my parents (but I was in restraints) and see my brother graduate from high school in a year. I asked God for a year to see my brother graduate high school. I've gotten to hug my parents and I never turn down hugs from anyone, but the one thing I wanted was to see my brother graduate high school.
I'd like to see more than a year, but I'm not going to get selfish. I never know when my body is going to turn on me. Only God knows the time.
-June 5th, 2016